Introducing Myself

[carol]

Hi, I'm Carol. Let me tell you a little about myself and my involvement with RAD.

I am a mother of four, stepmother of one, ranging from age 29 to 43. Amongst these children and their spouses, I have 5 grandchildren, 4 boys, 1 girl, 10 months to 16 years.

Nothing in my parenting experience could possibly have prepared me for the little adopted boy, who came to one of our children with RAD and a few other diagnosis.

How do you justify this cruel blow to a family that wants only to love and to give and to cherish their chosen child. What a shocker for us all. One minute he is the most adorable child and the next he is pushing away with all he can muster.

We are primarily the only respite and caregivers outside of the family home.

For many reasons, other family members are not able to contribute as much due to distance, age and ability, and not being able to understand what works best for this child. After much disappointment and much success, we have reached a reasonable balance in being able to offer the parents a break in order to regroup.

It has been difficult to develop a working relationship between respite and grandparenting.

We have come to love this little person to the ends of the earth and there is nothing we will not do to protect and nurture this family unit.

I really look forward to reading how other grandparents have been able to keep a sane balance and understand that all children and all grandchildren cannot always be treated the same, but are all loved equally.

[sunflowermom]

Hi Carol and Welcome


I just wanted to say Kudo's to you for trying to balance being a Grandparent and offer respite. So often the Grandparents do not understand the difference between the charming child that can present to Grandparents and extended family and community and then be so emotional draining and often destructive to the family at home.

As a respite provider it is important to reinforce the parents rules and structure as well as the understanding that the parent is the primary figure for bonding and attaching. This helps the child to heal and attach and become healthy.

As a grandparent it is important to spoil and overlook and bend the rules and cuddle and bond.......those are polar opposites and for a RAD child keeps them in an unhealthy state and reinforces that parents are NOT the ones to bond, attach and trust. This keeps the child in a state of sickness.

The more people that the child can "Play" the sicker the child becomes. And yet the parents desperately need a break but do not want to place their child into a situation where the child can continue to practice being sick. This is where you being the main respite provide can be a plus {unless it becomes too much for you}.

IMHO.....I would recommend that you be Parent 1st and foremost to your child and their spouse. Support them, believe them, do not question them and just be there for them.

Then be Respite provider 2nd and Grandparent 3rd. That is how you can help the family unit to become a bonded and healthy family unit.

Once again....HUGE KUDO's to you for being there as a support!!!

Sunflowermom

[carol]

Thank you. It has been a learning curve for all of us along the path of self destruction that these children create for themselves. What a joy when you see that the methods work and work better when they have the total and complete support of each other and the extended families. I look forward to posting some experiences I have had in other areas of the forum.