What's working/not working?

[Heather and Judy]

So, we're wondering...Who's using what kinds of therapy, if any with their child?

Whose methods are they predominantly following?

Whose methods have worked and have not?

We find ourselves mostly using Deborah Hage's and Nancy Thomas' techniques, thrown in with a good measure of our own creations and common sense.

We have read many other books, have taken tidbits from many other sources, but have found some things that just do NOT work for our son, and others that have made significant changes.

Anyone else?

Heather and Judy

[Janet]

Hi,
We are dealing with insecure attachment-rather than full-blown RAD. We are using Dyadic Therapy through Sandra Webb in Cobourg, ON. So far, so good....although we are about to start more frequent visits, because at last visit it was like being back at the beginning. Could be other mental health issues interfering (bi-polar or depression). She uses the program developed by Daniel Hughes. We find it really, really fits well. We attended a workshop for parents and adoption workers in Cobourg last November. It was really helpful.

Even though he is US based, he travels the world sharing his expertise. He has a book: Building the Bonds of Attachment, as well as a DVD.

Here's some links:

www.danielhughes.org

www.sandrawebbcounselling.com

I recall looking at NancyThomas parenting website and still have it bookmarked. I will check it out again, since you have mentioned it.

Janet

[sunflowermom]

H&J

Just a word of caution about Nancy Thomas techniques......they are very very good if you can be a master of the smiling loving eyes. If you are not in that place at the moment in time that you are trying to use her techniqies it can become too easy to use them in a punitive way rather than a loving and constructive way.

If you are in the heat of the moment and not able to keep the love in your voice and eyes then those are times that you can balance off of each other and hopefully the other parent can step in with the loving eyes.

Nancy Thomas has a couple of very informative pieces for respite providers and teachers!

I find the best way is as you said - using a variety of methods and tailoring them to your child and family. I love the parenting with flair and humour methods myself!

Sunflowermom

[carol]

I have seen this method in action of the overflowing love pouring out to the child in the midst of really nasty behavior and know how hard it is to keep this on track. It totally is heartwrenching to watch the strength the parents must maintain in order to keep up the appearance of Love, when a "Normal" child would be so much easier to deal with. To show love and promise in such adverse situations takes a very special parenting skill and not one that develops overnight. Our family has worked with both success and failures but in the long run has overcome the childs will to not be loved and are now able to show love in 99% of all situations. The result, the child is also growing in love, but it is a slow process. We need to always remember to bathe in the sunshine of the successful days.

[Heather and Judy]

Hi Sunflower mom,

You are absolutely right. Parents REALLY have to train themselves mentally to be able to use these methods and be able to discuss their ideas with one another. It takes a lot of work to control the anger and frustration we, as parents, can feel when the child you are trying to love is trying his hardest to make you angry and himself unloveable. We have learned over the course of 3 years, what works best for our son. We have tried every other technique and method out there to no avail, causing a LOT of flip flopping and inconsistent changes for our son.

When we began researching the Nancy Thomas techniques and then reading Deborah Hage's articles, we knew this could work for our son. Incidently, we actually HAVE Deborah Hage as our therapist and we have become masters at creating brand new ways to deal with our son's crazy strange behaviour.

ie) he remained in his room the other morning for a disprespectful pig grunting noise to both of us in lieu of a respectful and cheery "good morning". When we returned, in rubber boots, with plastic pants on, and hoods up on our outdoor coats, he stared at us from bed with shock (and a teeny tiny smile he tried to hide). We started talking all the way down the hall about how the room was going to be flooded (with pee) because he is soooooo mad at us...opened the door, grabbed a box lid, stood in it, and literally imaginary paddled ourselves over to his bed and then "tied" the "canoe" off at his window and got out, "treaded water" and got him up "again". He couldn't stop saying how he hadn't peed himself, etc, etc, and was quite happy to see both parents still loved him despite his poor choice earlier. We "untied" and "paddled" out and he got his clothes on and got ready for the day (and we got a super "good morning").

These are the kinds of things that Nancy Thomas, Deb Hage and 101 Ways to Drive Your Kids Sane, lead to...if you are creative and can get a handle on your own boiling point - which was VERY hard for us to do when your buttons are constantly being pushed.

We are really quite capable of handling anything from him now, even the grosser things like poop on the floor or down the heater vent, etc...

And strong sitting has allowed him a level of self-control and thought previously unheard of. Our son used to rage for 9 hours +.

The best to you,
H&J

[janet]

Wow,
Thanks for sharing that. We definitely need to expand our repetoire of responses. Using humour has definitely been helpful, but it truly is hard to come up with when, like you said, all your buttons are being pushed.

Does Deb Hage have a website with info? I will look it up. I am compiling a list of books to order so I can some new inspiration and ideas.

I looked up Nancy Thomas' page again. It had info about her Camp's. We are very interested in these. I will start new thread to ask about that.

Janet

[slowly going crazy]

Our rad daughter is 10 and got diagnosed when she was 8 through CPRI (childrens and parents resource institute) in London, On. We took the 10 week program Circle of Security and although it taught us amazing things, it just touched on the tip of the iceberg of what we were dealing with. Many other parents in the group found it to make a phenomenal impact on their relationship with their children though, so I would recommend it. It is run through the Attachment Consultation and Education Services (ACES).

I have also taken some courses held by Susan Dafoe Abbey in Guelph who works under Gordon Neufeld. She was very interesting as well.

Have yet to find a program that addresses all our needs but slowly we are getting there...some days VERY slowly!